I read a post this morning from a friend who was feeling guilty because she lost patience with her toddler and wondering how to manage her frustrations. Following this I have just returned from what can only be described as the shopping trip from hell with three children who managed to fight and complain their way around the entire store. Loudly.
It got me thinking on how, as mothers, we see the fact that we have become annoyed or frustrated as a ‘parenting fail’ which only serves to increase our feelings of guilt, and how in doing so we are probably doing our children a great dis-service.
I have to confess, I don’t feel I’m any different to any of my friends if the conversations we have about our children are anything to go by, but there must be some out there who manage to remain emotionless upon discovering their entire Clarins skin care collection has been emptied down the toilet, or their beloved progeny has taken a marker pen to their newly decorated bedroom otherwise we surely wouldn’t compare ourselves unfavourably against them.
Surely if we suppress our own emotions in front of our children we are encouraging them to suppress their own which is not helpful when trying to teach them how to process their own thoughts and feelings and deal with them effectively.
There is a line of course, witnessing aggressive and intimidating behaviour is incredibly damaging for a child emotionally, but for a child to see that mummy is feeling angry at the moment so is taking some time out to calm down teaches them that a) anger is an emotion everyone experiences and b) there is a non-destructive way to deal with it.
Sensible parents don’t expect perfection from their child but by expecting perfection from themselves they are enforcing an ideology that just ‘trying your best’ simply isn’t enough.
It’s perfectly OK for mummy and daddy to have a disagreement in front of the children. You are teaching them that people may experience conflict but there will be a way to resolve a situation through talking and listening. You are also teaching a very valuable lesson in how it is important to hold on to your own thoughts and opinions and that everyone has a right to be heard.
I see parenting as a huge privilege and acknowledge that there are many people who are unable to embark on this journey for many reasons but I don’t think this should in any way detract from the fact that it is incredibly hard work.
We are helping new humans join this society and we should try to be as open as possibly in encouraging them to embrace their humanity in all its glory. In other words it’s ok to tell your child when their behaviour is having an impact on you. Good or bad!
I don’t want to be perfect. I have no desire for my sons or daughter to grow up thinking that a good mother resembles a Stepford wife with low expectations and infinite tolerance to intolerable behaviour because I know that they deserve better in their future lives and I don’t want them to spend their their lives feeling let down when they discover that perfect doesn’t exist.
Humans are, by definition, flawed. We get emotional because we are emotional beings, not robots. Seeing emotions used in context will teach our children far more than suppressing them until they jump out shouting ‘SURPRISE!!’ at the onset of puberty.
Perfection is one heck of a target to set. I prefer ‘good enough’ because you know what? It really is.